4 Things I’ve Learned, 4 Months Into My Ph.D

What I’ve found while navigating higher education is just how inaccessible it really is, even if you are a part of it. Being a part of that “other” is a struggle within itself.

1. Academia is Out of Reach

On the surface, higher education is full of diversity and inclusion offices, bias trainings, and solidarity statements. 4 months into my Ph. D and what I’ve learned is this, when I look around campus, the classroom, or these days a zoom video call, there is nothing inclusive about it. Higher Education is inherently elite. While progress is being made, institutions of higher education are not immune to the hierarchy and racism that is imbedded into most systems in this country. They often perpetuate whiteness and contribute to the continued gaps in wealth and opportunity, especially for minoritized students.

Inclusion and social justice go out the window during an institutions pursuit for money and higher rankings. Women continue to be overlooked and programs fail to hire more than one Black or Latinx professor.

At the center of a doctoral program is research and teaching. Students are trained to develop studies or programs, analyze data and publish it. The more the better (programs are often more worried about being the first to discover, or to report on a topic, concept, theory, etc. they often forget the populations and communities their work is supposed to serve). Academia expects greatness from graduate students who are overworked, underpaid, and isolated. But soon they too, will turn into professors who repeat the same toxic cycle with their own students.

“Students learn better and achieve higher when they are taught by teachers and professors who look like them.”

“There is no relationship between GRE scores and student success.”

“Graduate students are more than six times as likely to experience depression and anxiety as compared to the general population…”

Somewhere between being underpaid and trying to earn tenure, academics forgot to read all of the research they were in a rush to publish. While there are some professors who reject this norm; in my experiences, most academics continue to promote this elite, hierarchical, harmful culture, despite knowing the outcomes they are causing.

2. Imposter Syndrome is REAL

Sometimes I feel like I missed an email, a meeting, or forgot to read the welcome handbook. Imposter syndrome is real. I constantly feel like everyone knows the secret formula but me. While I know thats not true, and almost all grad students feel this way, its hard to shake the feeling.

I always tell my mom I somehow finessed the system or someone made a mistake accepting me into the program.

It is a constant, how does every one know “this.” Part of my struggle comes from me specializing in education policy when my background is in psychology. I battle with how much I should contribute to discussions or step in when I feel strongly about a topic. In my head, I have no right to discuss topics or be critical because I’ve never been a teacher, a principal, or even a parent sending their kid to school.

Another part of my struggle comes from wanting to be great. There is so much I strive to accomplish, but don’t feel like I can, despite how much I prepare. While I am writing from the perspective of what Ive learned during the beginning of my Ph.D program, imposter syndrom can hit anywhere at anytime. It doesn’t matter the job, situation, or person, most people feel this way at some point in life, so theres no use in feeling alone. Most people are faking it until they make it, and so 4 months into my Ph. D and what I’ve learned is this, never let doubt control your actions.

3. You Become a Professional Skimmer

This lesson, I enjoyed — you will read, a lot. While I have always enjoyed reading for pleasure, grad school requires a lot of critical analysis of a multitude of articles. The science, the research, the concepts are always evolving, and in order to stay up to date, and in order to accurately fill the literature reviews section of that paper, you have to learn to read. Or better yet, skim.

Due to grad school I have become a professional skimmer. While I cannot put this on my resume or CV, this is a skill I will cherish forever. One of the first things you learn, or have to teach yourself, is to read only to find the useful information. The information to support your ideas, the information to challenge your thoughts, the information to inform your research. If you tried to thoroughly read all of the papers you’re assigned, or all of the articles you need to write a paper, nothing would ever get done.

4. There is a Lack of Respect for the Social Sciences

Last, but certaintly not least, 4 months into my Ph. D and what I’ve learned is this, people still have little respect for the social sciences. Aside from instagram users posting to their story, what social scientist have found in their research, about mental health advocacy and how childhood trauma is affecting their current relationships, we are the section of the brochure no one really cares to read.

Education, social work, family science, psychology, to name a few, are not only underfunded, but underappreciated. Higher eduation is not only inherently elite, but inherently political. More federal grants go to the traditional STEM disciplines, graduate students stipends are sometimes 10k more for STEM majors, and society as a whole suspects that those who do not choose to be an engineer or doctor, are wasting their money.

The most degrading assumption made about social science Ph.D’s is thats its easy to do. Doing science and implementing scientific findings are difficult in education and other social sciences because all of our work is done with real people. Instead of sitting in a lab with controlled settings, we have to handle a complex set of probelms that come with humans and social interaction. Individuals change from day to day, and ordinary life events such as a job change, taking care of a sick child, or a messy divorce, all affect our science. There is nothing easy about that.

Disclaimer: While there are so many positive aspects about higher education, research, and teaching, there are a lot of problems that are ignored. These four items come strictly from my experiences. While majority of my thoughts manifested during the first four months of my phd program, some are repeated feelings and notes that I experienced during my masters program as well. No one program or school will ever be perfect; but, during my stay in this elite club, I hope to play a small part in dismantling some of the structures contributing to the problems of higher education today.